How to survive a Maine winter without forcing yourself to go outside
For all the people who have zero interest in skiing
Nearly every guide to surviving a Maine winter includes a suggestion to get outside and enjoy some winter sports activities. Skiing, skating, snowmobiling, snowshoeing, hiking, pond hockey, all that kind of stuff. Those are all wonderful, exciting, healthy things to do - they get you in the sun, they get you around people, they get your blood pumping. Good for you, my winter sports-loving friends, that you get to enjoy these types of activities.
I am simply not that person. I do not want to be outside when it is 15 degrees. I do not want to slip on the ice or have the hairs in my nostrils freeze or get my precious feetsies cold. I do not want to spend hundreds of dollars to hate my life while I have fiberglass sticks strapped to my feet, freezing my tits off. I know people who willingly (willingly!) jump in the ocean in January. They are badasses. I am not.
The only time you’re going to find me willingly spending more than 20 minutes outside when the temperature is below freezing is when I’m in a hot tub, when I am standing in a gigantic crowd telling fascists to eat shit, or when there’s a very large bonfire involved and multiple cups of hot, alcoholic beverages. 40, even 35 degrees is acceptable. Negative 10 is not. And when it gets dark before you’re even out of work for the day? No, ma’am.
Am I a bad Mainer? In this scenario, yes. Could I easily be accused of living in the wrong climate and complaining about something I could change? Yes, except that between roughly April and November there is no place on this planet I’d rather live. I accept and celebrate this part of myself, and I will not be shamed into changing.
Because of my decades of experience being a total wimp when it comes to the cold, however, I feel I am well-qualified to speak with some authority on how to survive - nay, even enjoy! - a Maine winter, whilst remaining INDOORS for the most part. Here are my hot tips (pun intended) for anyone that’s a newbie to Maine, and for all the big weenies out there who can’t take the cold.
Get the warmest jacket or coat you can
Last year I purchased a new jacket - a (fake) sherpa coat lined with fleece, with a high neck that reaches your mouth if you zip it all the way and sleeves that you can tuck your hands into so you feel like a very cold turtle. While its aesthetics are very good - bomber-style cut, (fake) leather accents and cool straps and buckles - it is the boxiest, least flattering article of clothing I’ve ever owned. When I wear it, I look like a marshmallow with legs, or a three-dimensional playing card covered in sheep’s wool. It is the warmest coat I have ever owned, and I adore it. On negative degree nights while waiting for the dog to finally, finally take a poop, I thank myself for buying it. Invest in the warmest coat - and boots, ideally - that you can. If it makes you look like a balloon or a box or a bear, well, suck it up and deal with it. Nobody is looking at you, and nothing else will spare you more misery.
Make your home as pleasant to be in as possible
You’re going to be spending a lot of time inside, and presumably, most of that time inside will be in your own home. You can get pretty sick of your place pretty damned quickly if it looks drab or messy or it never changes. Switch it up! Put a tablecloth on your table. Buy some LED lights and make your living room a fun color. Light a candle or some incense. Put some cheap store-bought flowers in a vase, or buy a plant - or, if you are a plant murderer like me, buy a fake plant (if it looks good, who cares?). Switch up the things on your shelves. Move a piece of furniture. Hang a tapestry or some new curtains. Poke around Facebook Marketplace and find something free or cheap you can add to your space. Vacuum and dust the shit out of everything. When you look at your living room and you don’t hate it, that really does help.
Go somewhere
Sure, we’d all like to escape to some tropical place - but that’s not realistic for most people, for lots of reasons. You should still go somewhere! Maybe it’s a day trip to a Maine town you’ve never been to before - have you ever been to Aroostook County? Have you ever gone to Dover-Foxcroft, or Farmington, or Machias? Is there a show at a little theater somewhere that would be cool to check out (The Waldo in Waldoboro, the Strand in Rockland, the Waterville Opera House)? If you’ve got a passport, go visit Saint John, New Brunswick - it’s like three hours away and you can stay in a pretty decent hotel for around $100 bucks. Or maybe just go to the movies, or visit a restaurant or brewery you’ve never been to. Literally just go somewhere. Anywhere. Don’t stay home all winter. It will make it worse, I promise.
Get sun in your face
I don’t want to have -5 degree wind whipping in my face, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want sweet, sweet solar radiation penetrating my skin just enough to not give me cancer. You really do need that Vitamin D. Find the sunniest window in your house and sit in front of it. Get one of those light therapy lights, if you work in a windowless office or don’t have a good home option - your mileage may vary on its effectiveness, but it’s definitely better than nothing.
Give yourself a project
Commit to watching a film that you’ve never seen every week. Learn a new skill (Yoga? Basic electronics? Sewing? Baking bread? Leatherworking? Fly-tying?). Think of your next Halloween costume and get it done early so everyone is totally impressed come October. Learn a piece of famous choreography, like “Thriller” or “Single Ladies” or “Rasputin” or, if you’re really ambitious, anything Janet Jackson. Call and/or email your state and federal legislators every day about all the various awfulness happening all around us. Find something that’s broken or in bad shape - a clock, an old camera, a vintage coat that needs new hardware and stitching - and fix it. Host a ridiculous theme party - we’ve done an all-appetizer party, we’ve done a tiki drink party, we’ve done a “Big Lebowski” party.
Some winter I’m gonna get into HAM radio. Some winter I’m going to learn how to sing all of “99 Luftballoons” in the original German so I always have a karaoke mindblower in my back pocket. Pick something that you can realistically do, and do it. It doesn’t have to be anything important or life-changing. Just something you can have fun or draw meaning from without taking on too much (or spending time out in the cold).
Make it a point to see people
I’m not saying you have to be a social butterfly. I’m not saying you have to pack your calendar with activities, or start a book club or a fantasy sports league. I’m saying that every week or two, make a point of doing something - anything - with other human beings that you enjoy spending time with. Go visit your aunt or uncle. Get some cheap beers and snacks at a happy hour. Literally just watch a movie or a TV show with a friend, or see if you can pop by to say hi on your way to or from somewhere. Do it outside of your workplace, too, because cultivating relationships is something you should do for free, because it is the cornerstone of human happiness. The sun will return, the trees will bud, your skin will no longer look like you are a mummified wraith, and the seeds you plant in winter will bloom for the rest of the year.